January 15, 2021

You wanna know what happened.  Shit, I’m still trying to figure it out myself.  I mean, yeah, I did it.  I don’t know why.  I mean, some of it I do.  But Christ, it’s messed up.  I mean, what, you want every little detail?  Okay.  You know Amy Forsythe, yeah?  She goes to Southeast, same as me. Now, before I go any further, you gotta know–she didn’t have nothing to do with this, not a goddamned thing, okay?  You got that?  She’s innocent.  And pretty, gawd she’s pretty.  We been going out for a few months, this was back in the springtime last year and things done what things done and she got pregnant.  It was a warm night, I remember that.  My dad was out with his buds and he’s always out late with his buds when he’s off the road.  Amy came over.  It was spring but still chilly, so we got under the covers in my room and we went all the way.  You, uh, you don’t need the details of how that happened, do you?  No?  Okay, good…good.  When she realizes she’s pregnant, we keep it quiet as we can.  She was gonna have that kid, never a doubt.  Even if she wanted to get rid of it, however that was gonna go, her folks wasn’t gonna abide by that, no sir.  And I told Amy that I’d be the dad.  I’d get a job or maybe we’d move to where there’s a job I could get or maybe I’d just do the moving and send her back the money.  As the day got closer, I kept my distance.  Amy’s daddy said that I’d better or else.  It’s scarier when you don’t know what the or-else means, exactly.  So I stayed away.  Amy stopped going to school just before she really started to showing.  This was in the fall, beginning of classes, so it was convenient. There was all that confusion about who was attending and who was staying home because of the coronavirus.  Like I said, convenient.  They told the principal Amy was getting home-schooling and all, they didn’t want her catching the virus.  Truth is, they never wore masks and none of us did, some ‘cause God didn’t want it and He was gonna protect them, others ‘cause the president didn’t, others ‘cause they just didn’t think they needed too, and…sorry, I got distracted.  I’m nervous.  You can understand that, right?  Amy had the baby last week at Martinsville Hospital.  Her parents and even my daddy told me not to go, but I went.  I stood outside, closest I could get.  There was snow coming down, not too hard, but it was cold, real cold.  The wind was blowing, and I could’a stood around the side of the building, out of the wind.  But I thought it was right to be as near to where she was having the baby as I could, so I asked a nurse where maternity was, what side of the building.  She looked at me funny–I was all bundled up and tears was coming out of my eyes, part ‘cause it was cold and part, well, you know.  She musta took pity on me and said the other side and she pointed at the entrance and said I could just go in and up to the second floor.  I didn’t wanna explain the whole thing or say who it was, ‘cause you know how people talk in this town.  Shit, they’re talking about me and Amy and Jordan right now.  I can feel it.  I just told the nurse I had something to do and I’d be up in a second.  Okay, she said.  Her face looked like she couldn’t decide between feeling sorry for me, or mad, or maybe I was just a freak.  I think if she’d gone with freak, she’d have gotten the whole issue right.  I walked to where the nurse had pointed. The wind was really blowing over there.  I could see yellow light coming out the windows, but maybe that’s ‘cause the sky was so angry and gray.  Like when I went hunting with my daddy when I was real little. After a couple of hours, I went and got a cup of coffee from the thermos.  Not even to drink, just to warm up my hands.  I didn’t have no gloves.  Anyway, I wasn’t thinking straight about a lotta things.  I was out there waiting and waiting and then it started to get dark and then it was dark.  No one ever came by.  You should talk to security about that.  Anyway, I got a text from Amy’s mamma.  She showed me a bit of grace, God’s grace maybe.  Said it was a girl, a beautiful baby girl.  Seven pounds something.  Her name was Jordan, which I guess is a good name for a new angel if it’s your new angel.  I don’t know anybody in Amy’s family named Jordan, never heard Amy talk about it being the baby’s name.  Maybe the river in the Bible.  That’s as good as anything, I guess.  When I saw the text I thought, hell, there it is, I don’t never have to do nothing else.  I brought life onto this Earth.  I did that one thing.  I jumped up in the air and shouted WOOOOOOOOOO!  I punched and kicked like MMA.  I got carried away with a kick, came down on the curb and slipped on the ice.  It fucking hurt man, but I didn’t care.  I was a dad and Jordan was my girl and I wasn’t gonna be like my daddy or Amy’s daddy or all the other daddies around here.  And then I realized, they were never gonna actually let me be the daddy.  They were probably telling Amy I was done for, and that they’d raise Jordan without me.  He’s sixteen, her daddy was saying, you’re fifteen and there ain’t no fairytales and if there were they don’t begin with kids having kids.  Amy probably didn’t get three words out before they cut her off.  I’m sure Amy’s mom did the smart thing and kept her mouth shut, thinking that if he hits me at least I’m here in the hospital and maybe me and my daughter can get a group discount.  Lemme ask you something.  You ever had pure joy turn into pure rage just like that?  Just…like…that?  I did, right there behind Martinsville Hospital.  I felt everything closing in on me.  I got in my car and drove home.  Daddy wasn’t home.  I got a Coors, popped it open, and drank it down.  Then another and another.  I wasn’t worried about turnin’ all of Daddy’s beers into empties.  He’d just come home, see the mess and be glad his boy’s turnin’ into a man.  He wouldn’t even get mad about the mess.  He’d start toward my room and then think What am I, his fucking mother?  I stayed in my room and only came out to eat on something in the kitchen while Daddy was at work or wasted asleep.  I never heard from Amy or her momma.  I just ghosted myself.  I couldn’t tell you half what I did that whole time.  I remember doing grown-up things my daddy never did.  The dishes.  Vacuumed.  Laundry.  Tell you what, a lotta people bottoming out, they wreck the house on account they think nothing’s ever gonna be good again.  Why even bother.  Being in a blackcloud was just fucking boring.

I cleaned up just to do something.  Listened to my tunes–Li’l Wayne, Migos, Code Orange.  Yesterday, I finally figured it all out.  I drove out to Amy’s house.  She’s even deeper in the woods than Daddy and me.  I sat in the car shivering.  I waited until her folks took off.  I knew they were going to church, and I was hoping Amy and Jordan wouldn’t.  That’s how it happened.  I was kinda surprised they didn’t make Amy go and show of the baby.  That’s their m.o., yo.  I got out of the car and–what’s that you’re asking?  I dunno, about 10:15.  Anyway, I knocked on the door.  Amy opened it.  She was surprised, though who else would it be way out there on a snowing Sunday morning?  You can’t be here, she said.  I know, I won’t stay long.  I just wanna see Jordan.  Amy’s eyes got all big.  How do you know her name? she asked.  Hell, your momma texted me.  I was waiting outside the hospital.  Amy smiled a little bit at that.  I think she was glad I wasn’t totally public enemy number one.  I’m kinda freezing my ass off out here, I said to Amy and she said Yeah, yeah, come on in.  She brought me over to the crib, and there she was.  You guys got kids?  You know what it’s like, seein’ your baby for the first time.  It’s crazy.  Can I hold him?  Amy lifted Jordan out of the crib and put her in my arms.  She was quiet and sleepy and I knew she didn’t have a clue about anything.  It was all auto-drive.  Cry when you’re hungry or uncool with whatever.  Go quiet when there’s nothing to worry about.  I whispered something in Jordan’s ear.  What’d you say? Amy asked me.  It’s something Jordan will always remember, I said.  I just stood there rocking Jordan gently in my arms.  Amy started getting nervous, like I’d broken some great rule about how long you can stand there holding a child.  She reached for Jordan.  Naw, we’re good, I told her.  I kept looking at Jordan.   She sure seemed relaxed in my arms. C’mon, Bobby, give her back to me.  Naw, we’re good I said again.  I was getting’ tired of saying that over and over again.  Bobby, please, she said and tried to take Jordan out of my arms.  We’re GOOD! I said.  I pushed at Amy…I guess shoved is a better word for it.  She stumbled and then fell backwards over the crib.  Her head hit on the corner of the fireplace.  I guess it knocked her out.  I felt kinda dizzy, but I straightened up–I still had Jordan in my arms.  I kinda don’t remember everything after that.  It was like I was on auto-drive, like babies do.  The next thing I remember, I’m out in the woods behind Amy’s house.  Like, way behind, because it was just woods.  I couldn’t see the house, I couldn’t hear anything.  Just snow falling in the trees.  I got to a place I remember Amy and me going once.  We made out there last summer.  She must’ve known she was pregnant but hadn’t said nothing to me yet.  She said I love you and I told her the same thing back.  It was a real romantic night.  You could see the stars through the trees.  Trying not to be all gushy here, but…it was a real pretty moment.  Now it was gray and snowing and the baby started crying.  I realized the world didn’t deserve Jordan if I weren’t part of the plan.  Whatever joy I felt outside the hospital, and just before when I was holding her, that was all gone now.  I took Jordan out of her blanket and pulled off her diaper.  She was really crying now.  It was hella cold in those woods.  I balled up the blanket and threw it up into the branches.  I looked around and saw a couple of old dead trees that fell a long time ago.  I laid Jordan down in a crook that was filling up with snow.  The snow was muffling her crying, but not that much.  You know how babies are when they’re in agony.  I got more snow and piled it on top of her.  Maybe I thought she’d be warmer, y’know, the way militia guys tell you to make a snow cave if you get lost, if you’re on the run from…well, from you fellas.  Or maybe I thought the snow would her stop crying.  Or me.  I walked away from Jordan, and I thought with the distance and the snow she’d just get quieter, I wouldn’t have to hear her anymore.  But her crying just cut into me like, I guess, a knife.  Or maybe I was far enough away but my daughter’s cries found me.  I slipped and fell down on my knees into the snow.  I just stayed there, bawling like a little kid.  She was crying and I was crying.  She wasn’t ever gonna let me walk away.  And then, somehow, my heart stopped feeling anything.  I felt it stop beating.  Like a dark cloud had come to, I dunno, suffocate my soul.  I don’t know how long it took for my heart to get choked dead.  Jordan’s screams brought me out of it.  I felt nauseous and started shaking.  I walked back to the house, into Amy’s daddy’s work shed, and got his hunting rifle.  I checked.  It was loaded.  That dumb fucker always left his pieces loaded.  What, he’d tell us, a burglar’s gonna stand still picking his ass while I go open the safe and load my weapon?  Once I was brave enough to say What about some dumb kid finding it?  He looked at me and said son, you’re the only dumbass I see.  Guess he was right.  Motherfucker.  Both barrels were loaded.  I headed back to where I’d left Jordan.  She was still screaming for her life.  Well, ‘cause she was cold and scared and didn’t know what was going on.  I wish I could just scream whenever I’m cold and scared and have someone take care of me.  I thought Baby, for a little while someone will come.  They’ll take care of you.  Give you warmth and take away the confusion.  Hell, if you’re lucky, maybe you even get a little love out of the deal.  I mean, that’s what I hear.  But look at the world.  There ain’t much left.  Everyone getting’ sick, everyone sad but they won’t admit to it.  Who’s left to pick you up, hold you close, love you?  I got a few feet away, dug into the snow, aimed and fired.  The snow fort I put her in exploded, man, like shooting cans on the fence.  I’m sure it sounded like a god-damned canon but I didn’t even hear it.  I shot again.  Those were my two shots.  One of ‘em did the trick.  Neither of those shells know which was the killer.  Such as they might think on that.  I leaned the rifle against the tree where Jordan had been, sat down and waited for y’all.  I thought I was gonna freeze to death out there.  Thanks for not shootin’ me when came out of the snow.  You gonna charge me as an adult?  I mean, on the one hand, what grown-up would be so cruel?  On the other, I did father a child.  Y’all do what you gotta do.  I did.  Say, can I get sandwich or somethin’?